LuV NeVeR DiEs... It JuSt KiLlS.....

Love has no past tense... if it has, then it is not love....

Never live with someone whom you love but with someone who loves you because the one whom you love may leave u for the one they love.....
which is quite true in your case...

I jus dunno y the hell i end up writing all crap when all i wanna do is erase my past and not miss you...
but as it slowly dawns on me, it is not something very easy to do.... atleast for me... ( cos i found you completely oblivious to the situation)

So it was my imaginnation, or fantasy or my mistake to think that my world would turn magical with your presence..
sadly it ended up being horrible with your absence...
But in my right sense to believe or realize and shake myself awake from the dream to reality.....
You may not have meant the world to me but you were and you are nothing less... (though my family and friends come first)

It is really painful to know when you have contracted a disease and no matter what medication you take it is just pointless, fruitless and
in my case hopeless too...
I had always thought that i will never ever fall for something which literally destroys many lives with its intense and passionate charm,
but now i have to accept defeat... cos...
i have fallen in LOVE... with you...

The terrible and the most beautiful 'L' word which is a nightmare for many but a sweet dream for a handful... unfortunately i fall in the former category...
The fear of commitment
The fear losing freedom
The fear of contradicting my family and
The fear of losing your friendship...
has prevented me from releasing my deepest desires and had me fallin head over heels in love with you...
has disallowed me from cherishing the heavenly taste of ecstacy...
has made me think more about my own responsibilities than about a delightful future with you...

But i had to pay aheavy price instead...
REGRET...
and pain beyond my wildest dreams that i cannot bear r trying to heal which only provokes my heart further to yearn for an embrace a true one,
which can work like magic and wipe away my sorrow forever....
but it hits me hard and my mind drags me back to reality
about what lays in front of me...
about what path i had preferred to choose...
about the mounting responsibilities...
about the neverending quest...
which leaves me with absolutely no time to quench my thirst...

I really found it funny when people said that love can make you a Milton or a Shakespeare which was quite and 'all crap' for me until......
I wanted to confess to you my feelings for you...
I wanted to tell you so badly about how i feel when i think about you, feel you, yearn for you...

Just a simple msg from you makes me go hyper...and when its a call i am outta my mind and i feel so elated..
honestly no one has ever made me feel that way before....
I had always liked you cos...
you cared about me..
you were so humble...
you liked to genuinely know how i felt..
you made me feel special...
you spent countless minutes chatting with me...
you tutored me the subject that i hated the most....
you told me your dumb jokes an expected me to laugh for it..
you praised me for even the smallest things that i did..
you never took advantage of me..
you really liked to spend time with me..
you honestly shared your opinions with me...
you never tried to control me..
you always allowed me to hurt you...
you loved to tease me..
you appreciated and shared my thoughts...
I just loved you for what you were and anything to do with you made me feel happy...

But i miss you.. i acnt describe how terrible it is cos it seems ever expanding and ever conquering like the universe....
I missed you even you were right next to me...
I missed you so much that the passion and the desire is better unexplained...

I tried to give my own lame reasons to forget you like..
you were committed to someone else..
you didn't want to get involved...
You were so mean...
you didn't deserve me.. ( dis was said by my friends and it was brilliant cos it was more relieving than any of the reasons!)
but none of them could help me because i knew that not even a single one was real....

which pushed me into further pain...

I spent a long time choosing romantic novels and trying to understand what TRUE LOVE was and waht exactly was going on between us...
but it only made me feel worse because we had the right signs but it didn't give way for a happy ending...
I ended up leaving the novels incomplete to save me from the torment of witnessing a fairy tale ending...
But you have no idea that it is hurting me so much... and eventually killing me myriadly...
it has also started to transform - taking a new face with a few sparks of hatred towards love...
I know that i am just fooling myself as being mature, bold n blah blah... but its jus so dumb... cos i am not able to forget you and renew myself...
As i took this note and started writing there was a continuous flow and i progressed non stop irrespective of the environment and time...
When my disappointment in love starts turning into hatred i jus wanna stop and take a break and flip through these pages so that
i get reminded of my past and continue yet another unsuccessful attempt in forgetting you...

what hurts me the most is that you never feel the way i feel about you that being the primary reason for the nonconfession of my love...
so that i don't hurt you and take all the pain by myself and stay away from you as much as possible so that it is better if not for me atleast for you...
because........ you know why........
cos i really loved you and you did manage to sweep me off my feet...

but i will never get to tell you all this.. because i don't want you to love me out of sympathy but because of true liking, interest and love...
like how i fell for you...

if i am in your life then i wanna be someone who blew you away and
not like some poor girl who is hopelessly in love with you...
yes.... that is what i wanna be cos it is sooo like me...
and so i am walking away without expressing a word about my love... leaving my story incomplete...
Just hoping that one day you would reopen it and finish it or my so called Prince charming comes from nowhere and writes a new story in my book......
Anything might happen in this unpredictable crazy world...
ANYTHING....
jus a lil teeni meeni thought that it could be my way for once...
maybe....
and just maybe..... i am blessed with a fairy tale ending.................

be mY gUeSt!! step into my eNcHaNtiNg oFficE....... :)

der was never a sign board indicating the presence of the office but then architects carve a niche for themselves that it stands out and one can certainly point out that this is a creative masterpiece.... a liliput gate welcomes the visitors at the entrance made of wood.... as we take the narrow steps til the mid landing a huge urn about four feet in height stands tall decorated by a carpet of pebbles of earthen shades.... also a corbelled and cantilevered window is visible which is of entirely exposed brickwork..as we continue further to the right is a jalli wall and to the left is the wall enclosing the foyer... deeply punctuated by huge openings with old and severely uneven wooden planks (actually railway sleepers) which look as though they have a history to tell... then we enter the shaded space made entirely of exposed brickwork giving an impression of a gazebo with a funicular shell and with jalli in two sides of the space.... as we take a left we enter the semipublic zone... the foyer... we face a seating on the opposite of the entry.... the seating rests on a wall made up of roughly cut marble slabs exhibiting their layers of creation... above that bamboo spines reach up till the roof completing the wall... there is a unornamental stone sculpture set in the center which reminds us of an ancient linga from the old temples...there is a unique aura of natural materials stripped entirely to indicate their true quality..... on the right is a wall which is a combo of three different materials... the roof made of clay shingles slopes down to join the wall at the glass windows below which are clay tiles engraved with a traditional pattern below which the wall is made up of broken shales of various ochre shades of stones resembling a woven mat... to the left is a yet another seating... which has those wooden planks as openings to one side and the entry to the actual office at another side.. the seating in this so called reception is made up of wood and stone in a beautiful alternation... the space is majorly ornamented by the play of light from the openings... at the base of the openings are sample of hollow clay blocks strewn carelessly occasionally serving as an informal seating...

the entry door to the main office is a clear product of exprimentation... a stone column acts as frame and holds the steel grill woven in a thick checked pattern reminding strongly of a ferrocement door, frameless and bare just serving the function yet unique... the base tiling is done with unevenly shaped marble slabs barely resemblin a square... the workspace is indicated by a raised platform finished with wooden planks... and demarcated with stone... to the right is a space framed with timber columns and thin curtain enclosing the model making and estimation area... the roof is made of the same clay shingles but has glass tiles randomly placed... the wall from the foyer continues till this space and the partrition made of rough cut marble slabs over look the foyer... making it semi private.. to another side is a unevenly plastered mud wall in terra colour which gives a rural touch to the space.... the work area is an amalgsm of contrast... the traditional indian furniture serve to give way for the computers completing the bridge between the old and the new...

an excellent example of an open office , there are no walls seperating the architect and the staff which obviously gives very little privacy for him... the only source of natural light for the work area is from the glazed windows in the model making space.. we can also notice that there are no means of natural ventilation for the workspace ,but that is one drawback of designing the interiors of a space already built... but it doesn't matter much when u find urself comfortable in the space.

Moving into the architects cabin one can find the essence of traditional architecture hidden in every nook and corner of the space... wooden shelves laden with books and magazines seperated by a study desk which looks as if it is never used but reinforces the segment of tradition.......the desk is decorated with pieces of rare antiques which look like metaphors of tribal and egyptian art... the architects work table is a piece of lengthy stone slab cantilevered from the corbelled window... the window is a of exposed brick work jutting out into the stairway. Other articles include ancient wine bottles, old envelopes, a center table with a glass dome on it (actually a sample piece of a glass dome recieved as a complement), art works both digital and manual, concept sketches of various projects, a bunch of butter sheets with the drawings etc. An interesting light fixture is suspended right above the architect's table. One can get a clear vision of the work area from the table. Here also it is furnished with the same traditional chairs but of a different variety.

Stepping out of the architect's cabin and taking an immediate left a small but efficient kitchen s visible . The unique part of the kitchen is the flooring, which s like a jig saw puzzle of various colors and shades of a range of colors. It gives a touch of vibrancy for the supposedly dull kitchen. and beyond lies a bathroom quite clean in my terms..

the office is quite adorned with antique furniture, ' a perfect blend of the traditional and the modern architecture'...

A tough goodbye.....

i could call it love at first sight... ;) it was his laugh which caught my attention and after that i couldn't turn back.... it was so magnetic... i kept looking at him... he also glanced at me from time to time until the connection became rigid... then i smiled at him... he, was hesitant... but was sweet enough to return it... then he kept looking at me with those twinkling eyes.... i couldn't divert my attention towards anyone else.... then he offered me his hand... i was delighted to give mine....there was a complete contrast in the texture of our hands... one rough yet not harsh... another tender but tough.... he held my hand so tight... for a long time.. as if he will never leave them... i wish he was with me.... forever.... i couldn't control anymore... then i drew him closer to me... i touched him... i stroked him....i caressed him... and i kissed him.. first on his forehead... then on his cheek, i could feel the warmth from him gushing through me.... i held him for a long time.... our eyes were communicating an anonymous language...

i dunno if it was minutes or hours... time flew by so unscrupulously.... it was the time for us to part.... he did not know how to express his mixed emotions.... i don't blame him... it was so tough for me also.... he could see a longing in my eyes and the love at my heart.... but he cannot help it... he has to leave..... i could understand... and i waved him a final goodbye with a heavy heart....:(

After all what can a two year old do without his dear mummy???? he cannot spend all his time with his neighbours na? ;) little sanju is my new neighbour.... :)

Missing............

It was an absolutely Lazy day.... got up at one in d afternoon after a complete 12 hours sleep... what i witnessed before me was an empty room with only the laundered clothes, d unpacked suitcases, strewn out empty lays packets, and a few more things with my roommates missing... the room was quite untidy but better than before... only 2 more days and i ll be out of this place for a considerable amount of time.. 6 months.. i really could not believe that hours have been flying too fast.. though i have been craving for this break right from my third year i really cannot take it to my heart... i am going to miss it after all... positive or negative i have lived with it for 3 long years... and i should be packing to leave.. that is one job which consumes a large amount of energy, patience, and what not... a pretty irritating one... and then i suddenly remembered... it was my last two days... tomorrow i will be leaving.. and i had forgotten i have a really important engagement to be taken care of. something which i wish i had not remembered... something which has made my heart heavier than before..


then i could see.. his eyes... his smile... and his unconditional care.. the things which had drawn me and continues to draw me towards him... oh! just the thought about him makes me so elated.... :)it has been 5 days since i spoke with him... he had not called or messaged... i know he is quite busy.. (that is how i console myself) but not even a minute to spare? to ask me about my exams? my performance? me? :( maybe i am expecting something stupid from someone who never had such kind of intentions towards me... maybe he never was interested in me after all and i am just imagining things and mistaking his love and care... my mind says so... but my heart never accepts that... why doesn't it? that is because i think that i am committed to him... i can never keep him away from me... how hard i try... and now the final day has come.. for us to part... to leave forever... it rolls back to that special memory....

'Are you committed?' i asked... and he took a while to reply... and he replied saying 'i have crossed all those stages'.. 'does that mean that you have been committed before?'i asked again, apprehensive and anxious about the answer... 'see, there are two stages for a guy to get committed, one is when he is in an immature stage, and another when he is in a completely mature stage' .... so??? u were committed in any of these stages?.... 'nope, i crossed the immature stage but i have not reached a completely mature stage'... so??? will u be committed?... 'i chose not to' i immediately wanted to ask him why... but i thought better not to.. and i replied' that applies for the girls too' .... after a pause he asked 'so... are u committed?' undecided about what to tell i said ' no, but i wish to, i am just confused whether it is a crush or a love and a few things are stopping me' ... 'why? what is stopping you?'.... 'one - my love for my parents, i don't want to hurt them, second - i have had an affair before'.... an inevitable pause... 'parents... hmm... fine... but what is wrong about having an affair before? you broke up right?'.... ' i broke up... i know, and currently my ex is happy with another girl friend, but i just can't get committed to another man, i feel like i m not giving myself completely to him'........ 'hm.. i understand' but as far as your ex is happy you need not worry about him... and you should take care of yourself now that you like someone'..... ' since i have the problems from my side i am scared to propose' .............. 'listen, when u love someone, it is always better to express it as soon as possible, just in case the other person is not ready to get committed it might hurt you hard if you had concealed the feelings for a long time, and i don't think previous affair should pose you any trouble but about your parents its your own decision'..... 'i know....but what if he turns down my proposal?'..... 'that is what i am saying, it is better to tell him sooner so that you can bear the pain'.... ' i will let him know quite soon, before i go for training, and if he turns me down i will lose contact with him forever...'........'there is no necessity to cut the contact'..... 'i have to, you don't realise the pain of experiencing a one-sided love'.... 'i do know better than that, and i guess you have to forget the love towards him and not him, thats all, but before you propose to him let me know'....... 'why?'..... 'because i need to talk to you'.... 'talk to me?, about what?'.......'about love :)'.... my heart skipped a beat :)... 'ya i will, if i propose'.....' i think its better you do soon'......'ya i will!'.... 'and don forget to inform me before you propose him'....... 'that, i surely will'..............

How can i tell him that he is the guy whom i love... or does he know and is he playing with my feelings? i am so confused.... and i really dunno what to do....

The day has finally arrived and i have less than 48 hours before i propose to him... because i am leaving the city and he is leaving the country... i dunno how to initiate... he had told me to inform him before i propose but he does not have any idea that i am going to propose to him only.... and since i haven't spoken to him for 5 days and proposing him off gaurd is unimaginable... i have to do something... before he walks out of my life forever..... will i leave carrying my love concealed from my beloved and leave him never to see him again or will i express my love no matter what? whatever it is i am really gonna miss him....... i really don't know and i haven't got the least clue about it...
Dear God help me choose the path!!!.....